Friday Funny: Real Resume Quotes

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.” “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.” “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.” “It’s best for employer that I do not work with people.” “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.” “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.” “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.” “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.” “Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.” “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.” “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.” “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.” “Personal interest: Donating blood — fourteen gallons so far.” “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.” “Note: Please don’t’ misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.” “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.” “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.” “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

Courtesy of
THE FREEMAN INSTITUTE

 

And How Do you Deal with your Employees’ Foul Language?

“Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received and our efforts to improve communication, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources”

attribution:  http://www.citehr.com/104941-hr-humour-enjoy-human-resource-planning.html#ixzz2emJNqOkF

New seminar confirmed for the NY HR and Employee Benefits Summit: ‘Coach the Coach, Strategic People Development for Managers’ hosted by Trinity Solutions!

Coaching the Coach

Most organizations have performance conversations twice a year during annual reviews but by then it could be too late to redirect people and annual reviews begin to lose their power. Coaches need coaching too and this session provides people managers with a step-by-step methodology for planning, managing and motivating strategic development of employees & teams.

Taken from a 2-Day Coaching Certification Course, we will practice development planning, the soft skills of employee conversations, the tools and templates to document with and even solve your biggest employee challenges during the session, using this methodology in group break-out sessions!

Participants will:1. Learn a systematic approach to coaching and motivating performance before it becomes corrective, starting with team and individual development planning
2. Cover proven methods and soft skills for coaching people in one-on-one’s, performance reviews, succession planning and progressive discipline conversations
3. Practice using the Coach the Coach tools and templates for documenting employee conversations

The Most Amusing Resignation Letter Ever Written.

Before Sherwood  Anderson became a  successful and acknowledged novelist at age 41, he had worked as a copywriter at a Chicago ad agency. Just as many other writers, William Faulkner or Bill Nye to name a few, Anderson took a corporate job that paid his bills,  and was writing his novels after hours and during lunch breaks. When the time came and Anderson was finally ready to focus entirely on his craft, he resigned and left behind a letter that has  been remembered as ‘the best resignation letter ever written’. All thanks to its ironic distance and delightful wit. The letter can be found in the remarkably humorous book, ‘Funny Letters from Famous People:

Here’s the letter itself 

“Dear Barton:

You have a man in your employ that I have thought for a long time should be fired. I refer to Sherwood Anderson. He is a fellow of a good deal of ability, but for a long time I have been convinced that his heart is not in his work.

There is no question but that this man Anderson has in some ways been an ornament to our organization. His hair, for one thing, being long and messy gives an artistic carelessness to his personal appearance that somewhat impresses such men as Frank Lloyd Wright and Mr. Curtiniez of Kalamazoo when they come into the office.

But Anderson is not really productive. As I have said his heart is not in his work. I think he should be fired and if you will not do the job I should like permission to fire him myself. I therefore suggest that Anderson be asked to sever his connections with the company on [the first of next week]. He is a nice fellow. We will let him down easy but let’s can him.

Respectfully submitted,

Sherwood Anderson”

source: www.brainpickings.org 

4 Key Benefits of the Employee Stock Purchase Plan for your Business.

Initially offered only by cash-poor Silicon Valley startups, later on available exclusively to company senior executives, stock purchase options are now accessible to other employee groups and are becoming more and more popular in old-line manufacturing and service firms competing for top talent.

Employee stock options (ESO) is the right given to an employee to purchase shares of company stock at a set price. Because a stock purchase option is designed to reward the employees for their contribution to the company’s growth, there are usually time limits on when it may be exercised. While the potential  benefits of stock option for the employees are pretty obvious, it is not always clear what’s in it for the employer.

Here are four key points outlining the advantages of  offering  employee stock purchase as an option:

 Attracting and retaining valued employees. Offering a personal stake in the company’s financial performance attracts motivated and skillful professionals who are interested in contributing to company’s improvement and success. They are also more likely to look for a long term commitment and growth opportunities within the company.

Employee incentive to make the company do well. Naturally, an employee who owns some of the company’s profits will be more motivated and invested in the company’s future and performance. Because the company’s success (and hence success of the stock value) relies on employees achievement, workers who own shares perform more effectively and are more dedicated.

Moderate cost.   The only real cost that the employer needs to bear is the cost of administrating the plan and the potential profit of selling some stocks at market value (since the employee gets to purchase it at a discounted price).

Postponed  requirement for immediate capital.  Employee stock options are a form of deferred compensation.  It can be offered in place of a pay raise to increase company’s available cash.  For new companies, it may be advantageous to lower the starting salary and commit to pay more in benefits in the future if, and only if, the company increases in value.

More articles on stock purchase options are available here

We’re overjoyed to hear all the positive voices about the format of The HR and Employee Benefits Summit!

 Dallas HR & Employee Benefits Summit 

July 15th– 16th, Hyatt Regency Hotel, Richardson, North Dallas, Texas

 Vendor Testamonials 

“We loved the event” 

Meyer Dunlap 

“Met contacts in a short amount of time, good concept” 

SumTotal Systems 

“Very beneficial, the delegates were professional decision makers and experienced in dealing with vendors. An excellent summit” 

International Talent Management & Mobility 

“This forum was much more organized than previous events we have attended. Quality of delegates were much better. Venue, food was awesome!” 

FEI Behavioral Health 

“Excellent Show and meaningful introductions were available beyond the 30 minute sit downs” 

Paycheck Direct 

“This forum was very effectivein developing possible business investments. I have more confidence this investment will have a good R.O.I” 

IRI Consulting 

“I was reluctant to come because I am a small business with limited funds but was pleasantly surprised that the people I met with were receptive and interested in my services” 

Personal Health Partners 

This is the property of Forum Events Inc 

5731 Rosin Way, Sarasota, Florida, 34233, Phone 941-925-7585, Fax 941-923-5806 

http://www.forumevents.com 

Appointment Based Events with Limited Competition

Is telecommuting right for your business?

The rapid technological evolution has redefined the traditional working model  by making the once unrealistic work options not only possible but also very likely to function well. Telecommuting is the most widely considered product of this evolution. And while many of its benefits are unquestionable, one also has to consider difficulties that come with these arrangements.

Some statistics confirm that telecommuting increases productivity, brings savings,  and helps to attract and keep talents on board, while other sources alarm that work culture falls apart if the team members aren’t physically in the office and that people who would rather work from home, can’t be serious about their careers. Here’s a little round up of things to regard before you include telecommuting as an option in your hiring package, or completely turn your back on it.

1. It may really pay off – The online job search provider polled nearly 950 tech professionals and found that just over a third of them would accept a 10% pay cut if given the opportunity to work full-time from home. According to Dice.com, that equates to an average $7,800 decrease in salary.
2.  Demand far exceeds supply. Tech professionals often times love to work from home and yet full-time jobs that allow telecommuting are hard to come by. Being one of the few businesses that offer telecommuting as an option, increases your chances in attracting top talents.
3. Increased productivity, but not for everyone. While telecommuting may greatly improve the productivity of employees working form home, it can also have a negative impact  on the On- Site employees and in some cases drive them away. Issues such as difficulty in effective communication between on-site employees and employees working remotely, as well as the resentment problem, need to be well thought through and addressed.
4. Learn to trust. With telecommuting, you’ll have to learn to focus on the results and not on the process. You can’t have an employee telecommute, and then spend each hour worrying about whether he is actually working. Gil Gordon, a New Jersey-based author of two books on telecommuting, says: “It’s much more important that the telecommuter got that budget revision to you at 8 a.m. Wednesday, than it is to worry about whether he or she was watching TV at 3 p.m. on Tuesday.”
5. And yet, have ways of making sure expectations are met. Developing measures of progress and work evaluation is essential for telecommuting to be successful. Clearly stated tasks and deadlines, as well weekly reports are usually effective. You’ll also want to use e-mail or scheduled phone conversations, to ensure not only that the task or project is completed but also that the work is meeting expectations.
6. Cohesive corporate culture. Maintaining a cohesive work culture with  employees working from home can be challenging, but it is not impossible. The key is making the most face-to-face time possible.  Major meetings, company events and outings should be scheduled in advance to allow the telecommuters  to be there in person.
7. Smooth Project management. Assure that all of the commuting employees have easy access to internal documents, project checklist, and other resources, so they can stay involved and contribute like other team members. (Intranet, Extranet etc.)
8. Half-way is not always a bad idea. Even if you prefer your employees not to telecommute on the full-time bases, it’s still good to give it a try under certain circumstances (In this case, it is important to establish clear guidelines  for when and how long telecommuting is acceptable):

a)  A minor illness, such as a cold, that makes working from home a safer option.

b) When a deadline is pressing an employee can be more productive working at home.

c) Weather or traffic conditions.

d) An employee with a permanent or temporary disability (fracture) is better served by being able to work from home.

Good laugh for HR and FM folks . Happy Friday!

Five engineers and five HR professionals from the same company are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.

The HR folks buy one ticket each. The engineers buy a single ticket. The HR guys think this is strange, but they also think that watching engineers get in trouble could be fun.

The conductor comes around to get the tickets and all of the engineers disappear into the bathroom. The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.” They slide the ticket under the door, wait until the conductor is gone, head to the bar, and arrive at the conference feeling relaxed and quite pleased with themselves.

On the way home, the HR folks buy a single ticket. The engineers pool their money but only buy four tickets. The HR folks scratch their heads but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar. They figure it’s their turn to have a good laugh.

The conductor comes around and the HR guys pile into the bathroom. The engineer without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door, and says, “Ticket please.”

Newly confirmed workshop for the Dallas HR & Employee Benefits Summit: Motivating a Team on a Shrinking Budget and Increasing Productivity Through Wellness, hosted by Lisa Rueth of Trinity Solutions!

Newly confirmed workshop for the Dallas HR & Employee Benefits Summit: Motivating a Team on a Shrinking Budget and Increasing Productivity Through Wellness, hosted by Lisa Rueth of Trinity Solutions!

 

Open Enrollment Made Easy

Between the natural human tendency to procrastinate and the aversion towards hard evaluation work, the open enrollment season can become one of the most frustrating periods in the work year.  There are few things that can be done on the employer’s end, to make the annual enrollment process as smooth as possible and prevent employees from making poor choices (often followed by far-reaching  financial consequences).

Here are some tips on how to improve benefits communication in 2013:

1. Help employees understand. First and foremost, sending a neatly organized  benefits packet to each employee is not enough. Leaving employees alone with pages that are overwhelmingly long and packed with technical vocabulary, ensures confusion and distress.

1. Start Early. Communicate early and often. Get materials out to employees as soon as possible. Putting posters up or sending announcements in advance will prepare them for receiving important information later on in the process.:

• Make deadlines clear;
• Provide websites where employees can research their options;
• Organize chat sessions where employees can ask questions and receive answers.

1. Make them aware of changes and remind them that the old selection may not be the best option. Encourage employees to start the process by evaluating how they and their family used health care in 2012. In addition, employees should carefully review information about the 2013 benefit plan offerings. Keep in mind that 55 percent of employees default to their current benefit coverage for the coming year, instead of actively reassessing their plan options. Remind them that it’s not smart to assume that their 2012 benefits choices will continue to meet their needs in 2013.
2. Avoid Information Overload. Try not to overwhelm employees with all the information at once. Communicate changes first and concentrate on one benefit at a time.
3. Use metrics.  Gathering and displaying metrics (number of visits, video views, message opt-ins etc.) on the enrollment website can serve as a useful data for HR, but also add the element of competition to the process that can help to speed things up.
4. Get feedback. Gather feedback from employees before the end of enrollment to better understand how the process went from their point of view and adjust the strategy for next year.

To learn about the latest Employee Benefits Solutions, register for the Texas HR and Employee Benefits Summit